The Rules of Men… And Tank Tops
You know sometimes there’s that thing people think they just can get away with. For example, stealing. Kleptos never think they’ll get caught. Chances are they won’t. If an employee at a store sees someone stealing they usually can’t even say anything about it. It’s part of their “being polite” policy. A lot of people take this same mindset when they see fashion crimes. I do not.
This summer especially, I’ve noticed a horrible fashion crime being committed…punishable by serving life shopping at the sales rack at Wal-Mart. Yes, it’s that bad.
Men. In. Tank. Tops.
I love tank tops. They’re great when it’s hot out. They show off my body that I’ve been working hard on. They’re fun! There are people that take the fun out of them. If you’re going to wear a tank top you need to do it correctly and you better make sure you’re in condition to be donning that itty bitty piece of fabric in public. Here is a little checklist for you just to make sure you’re prepared to go out in public with your tanktop.
- Nothing neon. It looks stupid. I have no idea where this neon tank top craze come from but you all really just look like Barbie’s ambiguously gay friend. Leave the neon at home and go for a more rugged color.
- An undershirt is not a tank top. If it has ribs on it, don’t wear it. If it came in a three pack, don’t wear it. If it wasn’t purchased on a hanger, don’t wear it. A tanktop is not something with a Fruit of the Loom logo. That isn’t a tanktop, that’s just “I’m too poor to afford real clothing.”
- Remove all unsightly hair. If you have a shag rug on your back, get some Veet. If your pits looks like Rapunzel’s weave, trim them. If your chest hair is out of control, clean it up. No one wants to see your otter body running around, especially when the shirt comes off.
- Accessorize appropriately. Bracelets, sunglasses, hats…all perfect exampled of what to wear with a tank top. Button down tied around your waist? No, that’s called stupidity.
- Never wear one to a restaurant. I don’t care what kind of establishment it is. Sleeves are always required at meal time. Learn etiquette, bitches.
Now, I encourage the use of tank tops. Just make sure it’s fashionable and worn at the appropriate time of the year…in an appropriate manor. Happy summer, everyone!
Written By: Jake Verterano