A Romantic Date to…. Uniqlo?
Last weekend, my boyfriend and I decided to take a romantic trip to New York City. We did all of the wonderful things any homosexual would do. Central Park to spot people with fanny packs, eat out (at restaurants) and of course take a stroll down 5th Avenue and check out all of the top stores. I nearly pee’d myself I was so excited.
As we began our walk we passed a store blaring loud music and blinding bystanders with neon red lights. We were both confused….and frightened. We shrugged it off and kept walking to stores where you didn’t need sunglasses to look in.
On our stroll back my boyfriend and I began approaching the glowing store. “This store is pissing me off, we need to go in,” my boyfriend said. We both pushed through the glass doors and entered the store. You know those Japanese Koala Bear Cookies you get at an Asian Food Market? It’s like you walked into a box of them.
We walked up to a staircase with flashing multi-colored lights that were pulsing to the music of the store. I think it was the Pokemon theme. After the staircase came an escalator that took you to the third floor. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something. Five mannequins without faces slowly turning to watch our ascent. That’s right. The mannequins turned and watched you go up the stairs. I immediately crapped my pants.
When we got to the top of the escalator we had no idea where to go. People rushed past us holding thermal underwear and itty bitty tanktops. We walked to the jean section and stared for a second. Apparently the jeans are made to fit Barbie sized waists….for men. The shirts hanging all had no V shape. I guess they’re made for robots.
We wandered into what we thought was the women’s section. We couldn’t tell. It was uh…weird. If you cut up a few old comforters from your childhood you’d get something similar to the tops they had there.
An ad was also running on the monitors of an Asian woman sleeping. That’s it. Not modeling clothes, just lying in bed, scratching herself and sleeping. It was awkward for everyone.We found ourselves in the graphic T’s section and leafed through some options. The usual stuff. Coca-Cola shirts, Superheroes….and EVIAN?!?! Yes, they had shirts for Evian water. That screams fashion to me.
My boyfriend and I also visited an underwear section…complete with mirrors on the ceiling. Not the walls, the ceiling. Kinky.
After that we went to see some more shirts. I tried to put one on. My pinky fit in it. At that point I felt like I was going to vomit. I will never again visit the store, Uniqlo.
I get fashion from other countries, but America simply isn’t (and hopefully will never be) ready for this. Sure these clothes are cheap, but they looked cheap, too. Never sacrifice quality for a cheap price…or the way the clothes look for that matter. Overall, I’d say if you’re on 5th Avenue avoid this store. You can’t miss it. If you do find yourself in there, you’ll regret it. I haven’t slept since I’ve been there…the nightmares and Pokemon theme song keep me up.
Written By: Jake Verterano